Tuesday, May 3, 2016


Have you ever wondered what it might feel like to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes at once? I had not wondered that, ever. I found out though when I took a swig from a coffee cup thinking it was my left over morning coffee and it was someone's spit cup. 

As in chew. Dip. Snuff. Chewin' tobaccy. I wasn't grossed out by the fact that I drank and swallowed someone's spit. At least it had belonged to someone I know. Does that make it better? I'm not sure. 

My throat burned and I was certain I had instantly contracted laryngeal cancer from the carcinogens in the used dip. My future passed before me -- I didn't want to burp speak through a stoma in my throat! No, no, no, no, no! 

This incident took place just after I finished a powerlifting meet. The Alaska State Championship, mind you. Mere moments before I had deadlifted 275 lbs and was feeling pretty pleased with myself.

Someone shared a Rice Krispy Treat with me. Nothing could be finer in that moment than the satisfaction of a successful lift, and a delicious Rice Krispy Treat.

There I was enjoying the moment when I spied my coffee cup. I picked it up and felt the weight of liquid sloshing around inside.

"Oh," I thought. "I have coffee left! Funny, I though I had drank it all. Guess not."

I was happy. A little almond milk latte would be the perfect topper to my Rice Krispy Treat.

Except that it wasn't nice at all. I gagged. I ran for the garbage can and spit out my Rice Krispy Treat. I went to the bathroom and sat in the stall for 5 minutes vacillating between feeling like I was going to vomit and wondering if I should make myself vomit.

Eventually I emerged and ate a pop tart to quell the disturbance in my stomach while watching the remainder of the meet. Dizziness and nausea enveloped me for the next 2 hours. Maybe it would've been better had I forced myself to throw up. Again, I don't know. Never having dealt with this before I'm on shaky ground of proper protocol for this situation.

But like a true champion, with a pop tart in hand, when my name was announced as best in my age group and weight class, I raised my hand high. And then I wanted to lie down on the gym floor.

That night, I made sure to kill off any potential germs from the spit swapping by having two shots of tequila with dinner.

My words of wisdom to you: never assume you know what's inside a closed-lid coffee cup.